Ha! I wrote the title after finishing this next little bit. And yeah, there is a point to it, it’s just that it’s pretty much only for me.
Insomnia’s got me down again. Cannot sleep. My brain is half working.
Oh I know, let’s do a blog post!
But not a video blog. It’s 12:45 A.M. and I probably look like the Crypt Keeper, except less skinny and with glasses.
Post about what? I don’t know. The important thing is we, and by “we” I mean “I”, post- it’s been waaaay too long since the last one. Blogs must be updated and this is the way of things. Who knows how long this little particular gem of a mind flood will actually stay up on the site but- according to my page views- someone is reading and if not and wordpress is just totally lying to me, it’s still good for me to blog. it. OUT.
What the f are we-and-by-we-I-mean-me writing about again? Oh man. Where do I start (“uh oh. ’bout to get a little livejournal-y up in here!”) I’m in kind of a weird place. Period of adjustment. Transition. My chakras are perhaps not spinning in alignment.
Shut up. You know I don’t speak esoterica. Just seeing if you’re paying attention.
But anyway. I guess that’s what creative surges do. They kind of knock me over. I’m doing some pretty crazy scene work right now for class, outlined a screenplay (really), ideas for videos are swirling in my brain, I’m writing song lyrics to collaborate on a couple recordings over the holidays, and I have video blogs on the way (“Yes! the ones where she LOOKS at me!” “settle down boys, settle down…”). It’s all too much.
I’m overwhelmed.
And yet.
I’m underwhelmed.
That’s the part that bugs me.
Because at the end of the day- it’s just ideas. And I expect to see it all add up to something great and- mean something and- I don’t see that. I see now that instead of one toothpick I have like- 200- but it’s just like I have more things I still can’t seem to utilize.
Like, things are the same, just with more stuff.
Does that make sense?
Of course not.
I’m just hoping that somehow I just have poor vision, and this is all ultimately building up to- I don’t know. What the f do you make out of toothpicks? A toothpick house? I guess.
But you see?
Even if it is something greater, what’s the greater good for?
And if you tell me just to enjoy it and stop wondering what it means I just start to think, “Well what am I enjoying it for?”
I’m pretty confident that this is pretty normal stuff to reflect on. Most do at one point or another.
I was just thinking, if I was a different woman in a different time in a different place, this would be the perfect time for me to find the Jesus.
But I’m IWJS. I am a liberal living in the melting pot that never melted/center of the universe who sees many discrepancies in religious teachings and practices…and so the consolation of a Sunday drive in my pristine white vee-hicle on the Highway to Heaven isn’t looking too likely for me. “My coping mechanisms, based in subjective doctrine, are absolute truth.” – how the heck can I reconcile this statement with my collective experiences?
I can’t.
And so. No easy way out. Just me not knowing what all- this- is for.
All I know is….I’ve worn me out some so that I can rest so that I can wake up, and continue to ponder.
Also I got a really cute dress for New Year’s and I’m learning how to make glögg and Santa Claus and hugs and let’s forget all the weirdo things I just said!
Sigh. I have very mixed feelings about whoever knocked out a lens from my rose-colored glasses.
